Rabelais

Having gone over 68 years knowing nothing about Rabelais, I fear I have come to him too late to take maximum advantage.

It surely suffices to draw attention to his list of candidates for toilet paper (appended here) - among my favourites are "Mother's gloves" and "A cormorant".

Of the goose, Rabelais notes But to conclude, I say and maintain that there is no arse-wiper like a well-downed goose, if you hold her neck between your legs. You must take my word for it, you really must. You get a miraculous sensation in your arse-hole, both from the softness of the down and from the temperate heat of the goose herself; and this is easily communicated to the bum-gut and the rest of the intestines, from which it reaches the heart and the brain.

1. A lady's velvet mask
2. A lady's hood
3. A lady's neckerchief
4. Some earflaps of crimson satin
5. A page's bonnet, all feathered in the Swiss fashion
6. A March-born cat
7. His Mother's gloves, well scented with maljamin
8. Sage
9. Fennel
10. Anise
11. Marjoram
12. Roses
13. Gourd Leaves
14. Cabbage
15. Beets
16. Vineshoots
17. Marsh-mallow
18. Mullein, which is as red as your bum
19. Lettuces
20. Spinach-leaves
21. Dog's Mercury
22. Persicaria
23. Nettles
24. Comfrey
25. His Codpiece
26. The Sheets
27. The Coverlet
28. The Curtains
29. A Cushion
30. The Hangings
31. A Green Cloth
32. A Table-cloth
33. A Napkin
34. A Handkerchief
35. An Overall
36. Hay
37. Straw
38. Litter
39. Cow's Hair
40. Wool
41. Paper
42. A Kerchief (again)
43. A Pillow
44. A Slipper
45. A Game-bag
46. A Basket
47. A Hat... and some hats are
    • Smooth
    • Shaggy
    • Velvety
    • Of Taffeta
    • Of Satin
    ...though the best of all are the shaggy ones
48. A Hen
49. A Cock
50. A Chicken
51. A Calf's Skin
52. A Hare
53. A Pigeon
54. A Cormorant
55. A Lawyer's Bag
56. A Penitent's Hood
57. A Coif
58. An Otter
59. A Well-downed Goose